I Think We Need Some Rules.

I like to walk.  Really.  Just for the sake of it, completely ignoring the whole your-carbon-footprint-is-bigger-than-my-carbon-footprint thing.  (Aside: Since when did people in flannel shirts and hemp underdrawers start cornering the snob market?  I thought you needed Brooks Brothers for that, at a mininum.)

Anyway, yes.  When I’m in my house, I’m constantly bombarded with the images of things I should be doing.  This is especially true now that I have a small baby at my feet, most of the time.  What am I doing?  Answering emails, ordering shoes, writing the next book with one hand; shaking Elmo in Judd’s face, at regular intervals, with the other.  What should I be doing?  Elmo with both hands, no doubt.  While an extra load spins in the dryer, greeting cards get written, and the steaks marinate. 

But when I’m on a walk, the walk is enough.  No one expects you to do anything else, even talk on the phone  (in fact, certain Mom Snobs will give you dirty looks if do that while pushing your stroller).  I love that about a walk.  The walk is enough. 

But I also believe that walking is a privilege, not a right.  Not everyone gets to walk.  We know this.  Reminders of this are everywhere.  Nonetheless, some people abuse the gift.  And given the price of gas and the ever-growing number of inexperienced hoofers out there, I propose the following rules:

1.    You must walk as you would drive.  If you were driving on a crowded highway, and you needed to pause for some reason (to look at a map, maybe check out a landmark, or, I don’t know, just STOP for no apparent reason, because apparently this is a really necessary freedom for a lot of people), would you come to a dead halt, right in the middle of the road?  No.  Of course you wouldn’t.  You could cause injury (not to mention extreme, extreme annoyance) to the people behind you.  So you wouldn’t do it while driving.  DON’T DO IT WHILE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. 

2.    You are entitled to a reasonable cushion of space around you (again, see rule #1).  But no more.  Things that exceed the definition of “reasonable cushion” include:  linking arms with fifteen of your closest girlfriends (believe it or not, you can actually walk behind Stacey and still eavesdrop on whatever she’s texting to Britney); linking arms with only one or two of your closest girlfriends, but lolling back and forth across the entire with of the sidewalk (making it equally impossible for anyone to get around you) while spouting your favorite lyrics from Mamma Mia and/or High School Musical; pushing a stroller the size of an Escalade with no attention to pulling over for other, childless people (remember them?) who might need to get by.  (Yes, I have a baby, and I have a massive, old-man’s Cadillac stroller.  But I try to be careful and respectful with it because a). the thing’s a tank; and b).  I love the fact that I had a baby, but I don’t expect the rest of the world to stop putting one foot in front of the other because of him.) 

3.  Text or talk on the phone while walking at your own risk.  As with driving, no one’s ever nearly as good as they think they are at talking or typing while walking.  At best, you’ll end up doing that slowdown/speedup thing that has provoked many and incidence of road rage, and at worst you’ll end up getting plowed over by another person.  Or an actual car. 

4.  A fellow walker may brush up against you or your massive purse/duffel/laptop bag as they pass.  GET OVER IT.  Don’t huff or mumble under your breath.  You assume the risk of human contact by living and breathing in the real world.  That whole “yield to pedestrians” thing only applies to cars, not to other people. 

That is all for now.  I think I need some air.      

**Hat tip to www.worth1000.com for the photo. Visit them for some of the more hilarious (fictitious) street signs you’ll ever see.

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